Show Your Son Your Dick

Before you start calling Child Protective Services, I’m not saying you should sit him down in the living room when he’s fifteen and drop your drawers. Just at some point when he’s old enough to have a fuzzy memory of it, step out of the shower drying your hair with the towel and give him a glimpse. Of course I don’t mean in an aroused state. Maybe get a little blood circulating and just the right amount of baby oil to catch the light. Just once, and then never let him see it again. He’ll think you’re huge. This is an investment in your dick’s future; a 401(cock), if you will. Because down the road he will definitely tell his friends, “My old man’s got a huge honker. I saw it once.” Then word will get around town that you’re packing. You can look forward to some day when he’s in high school and he brings his friends around and they look at you like a god. They’ll be like, “Hey Mr. C,” and give you a high five and knowing glance. What he won’t figure out until he’s in his thirties is that you are just average but looked huge to his waist-high eyes.

If you don’t care to bike for the money, time, or physical health benefits, then do it for own mental health.

Have you ever noticed that nobody looks happy when they are driving?  Stand by a corner with a stop light and count how many drivers you see smiling.  I can tell you right now so you don’t waste your time: you’ll be lucky to find one.   However, you will see a lot of clenched jaws,  squinted eyes, and flared nostrils.  People look seriously pissed off when they drive.

Just think about yourself for a second: how many times do you curse at other automobiles when you’re driving your car?  You scream it out your windows, mutter it under your breath, or just say it in your mind, but you probably curse at another driver at least once per trip.  It doesn’t matter where you are or how far you are going; we all just have a lot of pent up anger towards other vehicles.

You don’t get that as much with bikes.  Maybe it’s the fact that everybody is out in the open and not shielded by a couple tons of metal, glass, and plastic.  You’re able to make more human connections.  You can greet your fellow riders and give them a heads up if you are passing.  You can actually verbally apologize if you cut somebody off instead of just shrugging your shoulders and waving like an idiot.  A little communication goes a long way.

I think the scenery and ambiance out on the bike trails helps relieve the stress, too.  What would you rather look at while you commute to work in the morning?

This:

Or this:

Still not sure?  Let’s play again.  Would you rather look at this:

Or would you rather look at this:

I know it can be difficult, so let’s try it one last time.  Do you prefer this:

Or would you prefer this:

To me, the choice is simple.  I love biking to work each day not only because it feels great, but it also allows me to avoid the stress and aggravation of driving.  Driving can be a necessity a lot of times, but if I have the option, I prefer to take my bike.

Earlier this week, I talked about the benefits of bike commuting when it comes to time and money.  Today, I want to talk about one of my favorite benefits of biking to work: overall well-being, both physical and mental.  This may be all intangible, but it still feels like the most compelling reason to become a bike commuter.

Fact: If you bike to work, beautiful young women will hand you water.

You can’t deny the physical benefits you’d receive by biking to work every day.  We’re becoming more and more immobile as a society.  Technological advances and global outsourcing have lead to less blue collar jobs that involved physical labor.  Now our country’s economy is becoming more service and information oriented.  That means everybody will be sitting at desk for 10 hours a day.

All of that sitting can’t be good for the long term health.  And what does commuting by car get you?  Another hour or two of sitting as you drive back and forth.  If you bike to work, that gives you not one, but two good workouts every day without even thinking about it.  And the best part about biking, is you can make your workout as light or intense as you want it.  This makes it easy even if you aren’t in great shape.  You can take a nice relaxing ride, or you can crank it up to the highest gear, pedal hard,  and really get the blood pumping.

So start biking to work, get healthier, and feel better about yourself.

In my last post, I talked about all the money you can save by riding bike instead of driving a car.  But not everything is about the money.  One may argue that time is an important factor to consider.  After all, time is money.  What good is saving all this money if you’re adding hours to your daily commute and taking away opportunities to spend all that saved cash?

Obviously, everybody’s commute is different, but I’m going to use my current situation as an example.  The main intersection closest to my apartment is France Avenue and Minnetonka Boulevard.  From there, it’s roughly a 3 mile commute to my office at Copycats Media near the Sculpture Garden, Basilica, and Dunwoody College.

Biking

Biking from home to work is a breeze for me.  My route consists of quiet neighborhood streets and two main bike trails.  I usually will get to the office in about 10-15 minutes.  This is typically the quickest option.  For those not familiar with biking, a trail is the equivalent to an interstate highway.  You can really fly on a bike trail without having to worry about too many intersections, traffic lights, and sharing the road with two-ton automobiles.  If you can map a route from your home to your workplace using trails, it will make your commute a whole lot easier (and less intimidating if you are just beginning).

Easiest commute ever.

Busing

My other option is to take the bus.  While it’s about the same length, this method of transport is the slowest for various reasons.  The first is just getting to the bus stop.  It typically takes me about 3 minutes from the time I step out of my apartment to the time I arrive at the bus stop itself.

Then comes the waiting game.  This is the part I hate the most.  You want to time it perfectly so you leave your apartment and get to the bus stop right before the bus arrives so you have minimal waiting time.  This is also a risky maneuver, because you’ll have to wait another 10-15 minutes if you just miss it.  I typically try to leave my apartment at least 5 minutes before the scheduled arrival.  This gives me about 2 minutes to stand and wait, and also leaves me with some flexibility in case the bus is running early.

Well, fuck.

Next comes the 10 minute ride from my bus stop to the Uptown Transit Station on Hennepin and Lagoon.  Here comes the big wild card: transferring buses.  I jump from route 17 to route 6.  Sometimes I get lucky and arrive right as the #6 is arriving, but other times, I just miss it.  And other times, I arrive with just a few minutes to wait.  I’ll estimate it’s about a 5 minute wait.

I ride the #6 bus down Hennepin Avenue for about 10 minutes until I get to Loring Park.  The last leg of my journey is walking from the bus stop to my office.  My office is unfortunately located in a weird little spot with no bus stops close by, so the walk typically takes 5 minutes.

If you add it all up, it’s about 35 minutes to ride the bus to work if all is well.  Again, there are quite a few x-factors that can make this trip even longer (and more aggravating).  This is why I opted to bike to work this morning through the rain instead of taking the bus.

Driving

And finally, there’s the option of driving to work.  I do this on occasion with my girlfriend’s car, and it typically takes the same time as biking.  The easiest route is taking Minnetonka Boulevard to Highway 100 North, and then merging onto I394 East to the Hennepin/Dunwoody Exit.  The only x-factors that can add time to this commute are traffic jams (which happen quite frequently on those two highways) and parking.  The lot at our office is small and there’s rarely any nearby street parking available.  If you don’t get there early enough for a spot, you have to drive and park at “the loop.”  This is way back by the Blake School and Parade Ice Garden, and will take you 10-15 more minutes to drive over there and walk back to the office.

That’s really where biking holds an advantage over driving or busing.  There are less x-factors that slow down  your commute.  The only thing that could really slow you down is if you have a flat or get in an accident.  But the odds of that happening are probably the same when driving a car.

Going the Distance

Finally, I’ll touch on one other factor that affects the time of any commute: distance.  Living only 3 miles from my office makes my commute pretty damn easy no matter how I decide to travel.  If I have the time, I’ll sometimes even walk to work.  It only takes about an hour.

However, if you live 30 miles from your workplace, it makes it a little trickier to commute by bike.  If you are renting, the easiest solution is to find yourself an apartment closer to your office.   The time you save by living closer to the office will be huge no matter how you commute.

But what do you do if you’re locked into a 30-year mortgage on a house that’s so far away from work?  Here are some tips that will hopefully help encourage you to try biking:

• Remember that bike trails are like freeways and will make any bike ride easy and relaxing.  Try to find trails that can take you to where you want to go.  If you live in the west metro like I do, try checking out the Three Rivers Park District website for info about all the bike trails.
• Find out the time difference between driving and biking.  You may scoff at a bike commute that takes you 1.5 hours to get to work, but when it takes you 1 hour to arrive by car, you’re really only adding a half-hour each way.  That extra hour of exercise will allow you to…
• Drop your gym membership!  If you’re biking for 3 hours on a round-trip commute, no need to waste another hour or two at the gym when you come home at night.  You’ll already have your workout completed.
• Try a mixed commute.  Ride your bike to a bus stop and hop on.  Metrotransit buses and trains are equipped with racks to hold bikes.  You can also do a “park and ride” with your car and bike.  Drive part of the way, park your in a safe spot, and bike the rest of the way in.

Converting to a full time bike commuter isn’t easy.  Like I mentioned previously, I was forced into it when my car broke down.  I don’t expect everybody to go out and bike to work every day, 12 months a year.  I personally think that winter biking is pretty crazy.  But if you make even a small commitment, like biking to work just once a week, you’ll feel real good.  Hopefully, that will make you want to ride even more.

In honor of the Bike Walk Week, I thought I’d post some stuff this week about my commuting experience ever since my Buick broke down in March of 2009.

I’ve always been an avid user of public transportation since I moved to the Twin Cities, and I occasionally would commute by bike when I purchased one a few years back.  But when my car started giving me trouble about 15 months ago, I was forced into these methods of transportation full time.  I primarily commuted to work on bike from April until November in 2009, and I don’t think I’ll ever want to commute primarily by car again if I don’t have to.

There are numerous benefits of biking over driving.  I’ll wax poetic about the intangibles another time.  Right now, I’m going to make a half-assed attempt at quantifying it in dollars and cents.  From April 2009 to the present day, here are the expenses I’ve put into my bike:

2 Tune-Ups ($50 each, $100 total)

Tune ups on a bike are the equivalent to an oil change on a car.  Much like a car, this can be easily performed on your own for less money.  However, much like how I dealt with my car, I prefer to have professionals handle it.  I typically only tune up my bike once a year, while I would usually get about 3 oil changes in a year.  Depending on how many upgrades I get suckered into buying at the local Jiffy Lube, I would typically spend $30 to $50 on an oil change.  So at this point, I would have spent $120-$200 on oil changes since March 2009.  On routine maintenance alone, biking is already a money saver over driving.

1 spoke replacement ($20 installed)

Last year, I noticed my rear wheel had a wobbly spin to it.  I was a little pissed since I just got it tuned up about a month ago, and they had the wheels all trued up.  But after inspecting it, I noticed a spoke was broken.  So I took it in and got it replaced.  All was good until I broke another one a few weeks later.  I brought it in again, and that’s when they recommended replacing the whole rear wheel.

1 rear wheel replacement ($100 installed)

Since my 200+ pound ass has been riding on this bike for over 3 years, the rear wheel was finally wearing down.  A weak wheel is nothing to mess around with.  It can look perfectly fine, but if you have some bad spokes, the whole thing can collapse and lead to a nasty spill while riding.  This was the most expensive part I’ve replaced so far.

2 tubes (one $5 DIY, one $15 installed)

Flat tires are quite common, and pretty cheap to fix.  I replaced the first punctured tube by myself.  I had done this before on a road bike with skinny tires, but now I was replacing big, fat, rigid mountain bike tires.  They are quite a different beast.  After the lengthy struggle to pry the tire off my rim, I immediately regretted the decision to tackle this “simple” task on my own.  I replaced the tube and then began the even lengthier struggle to get the tire back on the rim.  I tried looking up some tips and remedies online.  The best I found was using a little dish soap to lubricate the tire and help it slide back on.  It was still a bitch, but I eventually got it.  When I got another leaky tube a year later, I decided to pay the extra money and have them do it at the bike shop.

1 new bottom bracket ($50 installed)

Last November, I noticed a clicking noise coming from the crank.  It was wobbling when it was turning, so I figured some bearings were probably going out.  I took it in this spring and got the bottom bracket replaced.  Much like the rear wheel, this was another replacement needed because of the high mileage on my bike.

So when you add it all up, I’ve spent $290 on bike maintenance the last two summers.  Actually, this is also the same total for the entire life span of the bike (four years).  I didn’t get any tune-ups the first couple of years that I had it.  The maintenance really started when I began bike commuting daily.

But for comparison purposes, let’s just say on average, I’ll put about $150 into my bike each year.

Now let’s look at the car expenses I had with my Buick Park Avenue:

Oil Changes – I already mentioned I would get about 3 per year at $30-$50 a pop.  Let’s just assume they averaged $40 each with the other up-sells (new air filter, special high-mileage oil, new wipers, radiator/transmission flush), so that’s $120 annually.

Gas – I would normally fill up my car twice a month when commuting by automobile.  I had a 16 gallon tank, so each fill-up would be about 12 gallons.  Over the last year or two, gas prices seemed to be hovering right around $2.50 per gallon, so that would be $30 per fill-up, $60 per month, and $720 annually.

Insurance – Since my car was an old, paid off, and had over 200K miles, I just had the cheap, liability-only insurance.  This was only $20 a month; $240 annually.

Maintenance – My car was a 1989 Buick Park Avenue.  Since it was 20 years old, it’d be difficult to compare the cost of repairs to a four year old bike.  But for the fun of it, here are all the repairs I can remember since I got this car in 1999:  new axle and alignment ($160), new starter ($75), new battery ($60), two new alternators ($500), brake repair ($500), two new crank pulleys ($1000), and new brake pads ($120).  Also, my car was stolen once.  The cost of the impound fee, towing, new steering column, and new rear window added up to $1000.  So we’re looking at nearly $3000 in repairs over 10 years, averaging out to $300 annually.

So here are the totals:

Annual biking expenses: $150

Annual driving expenses: $1080

I know these numbers are hardly concrete, but this is no contest.  Consider that I also assumed both the bike and car were already bought and paid for.  If you were still making payments on your car, the annual cost is even higher.

I often think about buying a new car, but I’m not in any hurry after hashing out these numbers.  Until I really need one, I’ll just continue to sit back and enjoy the extra cash available to me each month.

It's funny because it's true.

The Legally Prohibited From Being Funny On Television Tour stopped at the Orpheum Theater on Tuesday, and I was there to witness Conan O’Brien take the stage.  After a round of drinks and tapas at the neighboring Solera Restaurant (paid for with a Groupon), we got in a line that stretched around the block.  We made our way in, booted some idiots out of our seats, and got ready for some funny.  I had to use the restroom, but didn’t want to miss a thing.  Plus, I was really shoehorned into my seat and the seat in front of me.  They didn’t build that theater with 6’3″ people in mind.  But I was able to ignore the pain coming from my bladder and kneecaps and enjoy the show.  A recap in bullet-point form:

• The opener, Reggie Watts, was pretty amusing and extremely talented.  He had a loop machine, so he was laying down his own beats and singing hilarious songs, including one about breakfast foods and another about a “fuck shit stack.”  Check it our for yourself:
• You don’t always notice on TV, but those late night house bands are insanely talented musicians and performers.  The newly named Legally Prohibited Band started the show off with a couple numbers.  LaBamba and the other horn players were firing up the crowd by jumping off the stage and running up and down the aisles.
• The lights dimmed and a video started playing on the big screen.  It was a shot of Conan in a fat-suit with long hair and beard.  He was lying a floor covered with empty beer bottles and pizza boxes.  The video then shows clips of him moping around the house while Eric Carmen’s “All By Myself” plays.  He then gets a phone call about the tour, and it switches to a Rocky-esque training montage.
• He started out with a monologue custom tailored to the host city, and he seemed to get a kick out off how some people would boo at the mention of St. Paul.  He advised us to get over it, we all go to the same mall anyway.
• There were plenty of old gags and characters, like Masturbating Bear, Triumph, and the Walker: Texas Ranger Lever.  Actually, he said NBC retained the rights to the Walker: Texas Ranger Lever, so what we saw was called the Chuck Norris: Rural Cop Handle.
• There was a giant bat:
  

  Bat out of hell.

• Conan picked up the guitar and rocked out with Brian Setzer.  They played “Rock This Town” and “40 Days.”
  

  Well, this photo certainly does suck, but I assure that is Brian Setzer and Conan O'Brien performing together.

• While thanking everybody for their support, he mentioned that this tour was the first time anybody has actually paid to see his show.  I found that interesting.  With TV networks owned and operated by huge publicly shared companies, you figured they would be all about opening up new revenue streams and charging money to see these live shows like Late Night, Oprah, Price Is Right, etc.
• We hung around the loading area and the cast members came out to take pictures and sign autographs.  My little sister actually met Conan a few months ago and had some pictures of them together that she hoped to have signed.  Conan was unfortunately only out there for a brief moment, but she managed to have her photo signed by Andy Richter, Mark Pender, and LaBamba.
  

  Mark Pender and Brian Setzer chatting after the show.

That’s about all I got.  It was an awesome show, and I can’t wait to see him back on TV soon.

Sorry for the glare from the flash. I took the picture at night and don't have a strong lamp to light up my apartment.

The funny thing is this isn’t some original piece from a local artist.  I found this poster at a place called Main Street Toys.  It’s just a small shop inside the NKB that sells vintage toys.  The shop owner specializes in vintage space and sci-fi themed toys from the 50′s and 60′s, but his collection has a wide range that spans all decades (including licensed toys and figures from shows such as Pee Wee’s Playhouse, A-Team, Knight Rider, The Simpsons, and Toy Story).

Anyhow, I made my rounds through the shop and was about to take off.  Outside, there was a large robot fixture holding a plate of his business cards.  I decided to take one in case the day ever came where I was in dire need of a Pee Wee Herman windsock.  As I grabbed a card, I noticed he had some framed posters on the wall with prices tags indicating they were for sale.  That’s where I noticed the beauty above.  After staring at it for about 5 minutes trying to actually find two identical space penmen, I decided it was too cool to pass up.  Plus, it came fully framed.  What a deal!

When I got home, I was wondering what the hell this was all about, so I Googled the phrase printed on the poster and found the artist who made it.  Gary Blehm has a whole series of these posters and drawings with different themes.  I couldn’t find the space theme on his website, so I feel good knowing that my poster may no longer be available.  The cool thing about this artist is that he’ll draw you a single custom Penman with whatever theme you want.  You get a framed, 5″x7″ custom drawing for just $18.

So that was my great purchase over the weekend.  Anybody else have any great finds recently at an art fair, garage sale, flea market, etc.?

Now this is livin'...except I don't actually fish.

The official first day of summer is June 21st.  The unofficial start of summer is Memorial Day weekend.  But to me, the even-more-unofficial start of summer is the weekend premier of that year’s big Marvel Comics blockbuster movie.  Since Iron Man 2 opened up last weekend, it’s time to bust out the flip flops and sunblock.

This is when the Twin Cities are busting at the seams with activity.  On top of the normal summer activities (backyard BBQ’s, baseball, lakes, and weddings), there are pant-loads of festivals, concerts, and other big events.  To keep track of everything, I sat down with an issue of City Pages, checked out every ad, and filled out a calendar for the summer.  I’m officially booked for the next 3.5 months.  If you want to hang out with me this summer, meet me at one of the following events:

Art Festivals

Art-A-Whirl (May 14-16) – If you’re reading this right now, then chances are you have already missed this one.  The last day is Sunday, May 16, so you might have some time to catch it if you leave immediately.

What separates this festival from the other art fairs in the Twin Cities is it’s layout and neighborhood participation.  Most summer art fairs just shut down a street for a couple blocks, set up hundreds of booths, and then corral thousands of visitors into this relatively small area.  Art-A-Whirl utilizes the many existing studios, galleries, and other businesses throughout the entire Northeast Minneapolis neighborhood.  You can bike, ride the trolley, or hike from destination to destination.  It covers a large area, so be sure to wear some sturdy shoes.

Stone Arch Festival of the Arts (June 19-20) – This festival is great because of the location on the Mississippi riverfront overlooking the downtown skyline.  Aside from all the booths, you can take nice strolls over the Stone Arch Bridge and Water Power Park to get a good look at St. Anthony Falls.  The other great thing about this festival is the handful of restaurants and bars that have great patios in this area.  The last time I went, we got a table at the Aster Cafe’s shady patio where they were selling $1 hot dogs and $2 bottles of beer.  It really can’t get any better than that.

Uptown Art Fair (August 6-8) – This is one of the art fairs that I feel are too cramped and lack a bit of neighborhood character.  I usually end up going, though, because it’s in my neighborhood.  But the only thing I really have to say about it is there’s too many booths, too many people, and not enough room.   If I were to suggest something to make it better, I would try spreading out the booths around the entire chain of lakes (Cedar, Isles, Calhoun, and Harriet).

Beer Festivals

Schell’s Fireman Chili Cook-Off (May 22) -

Looks even better in color.

This is one of many events celebrating the August Schell Brewing Company’s 150th Anniversary.  I’ve often wanted to visit their brewery in the summer months, but have only been there in the dead of winter.  Now I’ll have my chance to see the beautiful city of New Ulm in full bloom.

BrauFest (June 4-5) – The Brau Brothers brewery located in Lucan, MN, is having their first annual BrauFest, complete with a bike ride, softball tournament, street dance, and camping on the brewery grounds.  This is small-town summer living at it’s finest.  Unfortunately, it falls on a very busy weekend, but I might try to make it down there.

City Pages Beer Festival (June 5) – The last time I attended this festival, it was held in Uptown and it was pouring rain for the first three hours of the event.  But a little rain isn’t going to hold back a bunch of raging alcoholics.  It was packed from start to finish.  The way it works is you are given a small cup at the gate when you pay for your ticket.  Then you go around to the 100 or so tents and try samples from all the different breweries.  There’s something for everyone, as they have tents from local favorites like Surly and Summit, as well as big national brands like Coors.  You can even fill your cup with samples of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Smirnoff Ice if you want to be laughed off the premises.

Highland Fest Beer Dabbler (July 17) – I haven’t been to this beer festival, but I’d imagine it’s the same shtick as the City Pages Beer Fest.  Except this one is held in the beautiful Highland Hills neighborhood of St. Paul.

St. Paul Summer Beer Fest (June 20) – Another beer festival; similar to the other two that were just mentioned.  Attend this one with caution, as it falls on a Sunday.  Downing a multitude of craft beers for 5 hours can leave you with a pretty intense hangover on Monday.  But this also falls on Fathers Day, so it would be a fun event to take your dad.

Block Parties

LynLake Street Festival (May 16) – Again, if you’re reading this blog right now, then you are missing or have already missed this event.  I haven’t been to the LynLake festival, as it is relatively new, but highlights include a bike rally fundraiser for the local YMCA and free concerts all afternoon.  Acts this year include local mainstays like Mark Mallman and Har Mar Superstar, as well as E.L.n.O., an Electric Light Orchestra tribute band.

Grand Old Day (June 6) – This one has it all: local bands on multiple stages, beer gardens, a parade, art displays, street performers, food vendors and thousands of people.  It’s billed as the largest one day festival in the Midwest, and I don’t doubt it for a second.  Wear some comfortable shoes, as this festival stretches across the majority of Grand Avenue, from the St. Thomas campus to the cusp of downtown St. Paul.  It’s free admission, but you have to buy a $10 wristband for access to the concerts and beer gardens.

Parktacular! Celebration (June 17-20) – I come from a small town, where our annual summer festivals with ridiculous names were the highlight of the season.  As a resident of St. Louis Park, MN, I feel should start getting pumped about the Parktacular.  I’ve never been to this one, but the parade and the block party at Excelsior and Grand sound pretty damn fun.  Only $5 admission for the block party.

Hard to find a better backdrop for an outdoor concert in Minneapolis.

Basilica Block Party (July 9-10)  – Two stages on opposite sides of the beautiful Basilica of St. Mary in downtown Minneapolis will bring a heavy hitting line-up of mainstream indie rock.  Weezer and Spoon play Friday night, while the Avett Brothers and another TBD headliner play on Saturday.  The best part of it all is that’s it’s right across the street from my office.

Aquatennial Block Party (July 16) – The Aquatennial involves multiple events that span across two weekends, but my favorite is always the block party that gets it all started.  It’s always free and books some decent bands every now and then.  I saw Mike Doughty a few years ago, and the Smashing Pumpkins played this event back in the late 90′s.  I’m a little nervous about this year’s concert, though.  There’s nothing on their website, but on Pollstar, I see Toby Keith listed with a venue TBD on this date.  Damn.

Raspberry Festival (July 10-18) – Another goofy summer festival that reminds me of my small town roots.  This one is held in Hopkins, which has a really cool main street area with bars and shops.  As is usually the case, I’m mostly excited about the street dance/block party on Saturday evening.

Concerts

Tom Petty @ the Xcel Energy Center (June 22) – I’ve seen Tom Petty perform here before, and I’d definitely go see him again.  You really forget how iconic this guy is until you go to his concert and realize you know almost every lyric to all the songs he performs.

I wonder if it will blast off into the sky at the end of the show and soar to it's next venue?

U2 @ TCF Bank Stadium (June 27) – I have no intentions on buying a ticket for this show.  I don’t care for U2 that much.  But I do care enough to stake out a spot outside of Williams Arena that night and listen to the show for free.  There’s a couple grassy areas across the street from the stadium that would be perfect for a little picnic on a summer night.  With the crazy stage they are using, you might even get a good view of the show, too.

The Hold Steady @ the Cabooze and the First Avenue (July 3-4) – As a Minnesotan, the two truly American things I love to do over the 4th of July were to hang out at “the” lake, which of course can be any lake, and listen to the Twins game on the radio.  I will now add attending a Hold Steady show to form a truly patriotic trio.  There’s just something about their music that fits in with the summer and the 4th of July.

Q: Are we not men?

Devo @ the MN Zoo (July 3) – Time to get me a jumpsuit and a wacky hat that looks like a flower pot.

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros @ The Cabooze (August 9) – I haven’t even heard of this band before two weeks ago, but I like them.  And  apparently a lot of other people like them too, because their tickets are relatively expensive and they are playing the outdoor plaza at the Cabooze.  That means a lot of people will be there.

Lady GaGa @ The Xcel Energy Center (August 31) – She sold out two shows at the X, and I’ve got my tickets for one of them.  I’ve never been to a concert involving a pop mega-star at the height of their popularity, so this should be fun.

Sports

Night Owl Classic (August 21) – Nothing more than a nighttime bike ride along the Mississippi River followed by food, drinks, and music at the St. Anthony Main area.  Why wouldn’t you?

Too much fun.

Muddy Buddy (August 22) – This is a fun team race involving two people.  You and your teammate start at the same time; one person on foot, the other on bike.  Obviously, the biker is going to get ahead.  They will reach a checkpoint where they leave the bike and start running.  The teammate who started on foot will eventually reach that point and pick up the bike.  You continue alternating until you reach the final checkpoint.  You then wait for your buddy to catch up and then cross the final obstacle and finish line together.  What’s the final obstacle?  A huge mud pit that you must crawl through.

Want:

Target Field (All summer long) – If you haven’t been here yet, you need to go.  Now you can support your home team without missing a beautiful summer night or afternoon.  Now instead of leaving early to beat the traffic, you can just kick back in your seat, soak up some sun, and wait for the rest of the crowd to leave after the game.  This is also prime time to check out different seats and views throughout the park.  If you’re looking for fun promotions, try June 13 (Bike To the Ballpark Day) or July 4 (Minne & Paul Bobble Head Day).

Misc. Events

Conan O’Brien @ the Orpheum (May 18) – Conan is hitting the road and performing a stage show with his cast and crew.  Can’t wait.  Just two more days.

Fringe Festival (August 5-15) – A concentrated cluster of short plays performed throughout multiple venues in the Twin Cities.  If you want more info, check my girlfriend’s blog.  I still don’t know what the damn button is for.

Outdoor Movies (All summer long) – Two great venues for catching movies outside: Solera and Vali-Hi Drive In.  If you want to watch some modern classics, head to Solera’s rooftop.  Last year, they had movies playing every Tuesday and Wednesday night.  I can’t find a schedule for this year, but hopefully they are still running this promo.  If you want to watch the latest Hollywood blockbusters, drive out to the Vali-Hi Drive In near Lake Elmo.  They run a triple feature each night starting at dusk.  If you stay for all three, you’ll probably get home around 4 AM.  The best part is it’s only $8, and you can bring your own food and even set up a tailgate.

*****

So that’s how I do summer in Minnesota.  Obviously, I didn’t catch everything, and there will be many other events that pop between now and Labor Day.  So if you feel I’m missing something big, let me know.  Thanks for reading and have a bitchin’ summer.

For example, I was invited to join a Facebook group touting a “New Third Quarter Tradition.”  Their big idea was to play “Let Me Clear My Throat” by DJ Kool.  They cited Camp Randall’s “Jump Around” in their writing.  I’m now wondering about the thought process that lead to them picking this song.  I’m picturing it like this:

“Hey, they play House of Pain’s “Jump Around” at Wisconsin football games, and everybody seems to think that’s cool.  Let’s start our own tradition of playing an outdated, early 90′s rap song with lyrics we can all take literally.  How about ‘Let Me Clear My Throat?’  Maybe we can get the entire crowd to simultaneously turn their heads and cough.  That would be great!”

OK, seeing an entire stadium full of people simultaneously turn their heads and cough would be awesome, but will probably never happen.

Look, I love traditions, but they can’t just be desperately manufactured like this.  You have to let them happen on their own.  Besides, we have plenty of in-game traditions and cheers.  I’ve taken note of some of my favorites.  Some have been around forever; others have been born right before my eyes and have since grown.

Not one, not two, not even three or four;  we have five fight songs.

If you are a Gopher fan, than surely you know the Minnesota Rouser.  However, you’ve probably heard a number of other fight songs played at Gopher sporting events that you may not know as well.  These are other fight songs dedicated to our dear old U.

Minnesota March is probably the second most popular tune you’ll hear the band play.  It was actually written by the march king himself, John Phillip Sousa.  I’m really surprised at how well the people around me in the stadium know this song.  As a band member, we were required to know all the words by memory, but there are lots of students and alums near my section who are belting it out alongside us former band nerds.

The other three tunes (Go Gopher Victory, Our Minnesota, and Minnesota Fight) are just simple fight songs.  They are quick like the Rouser and have fun lyrics, like “hit ‘em hard and hit ‘em low,” “make them sorry that they came,” and “for maroon & gold be warriors bold.”  Feel free to look these all up and sing along next time.

The First Down Cheer

This actually was born during my time at the U and in the marching band.  It has since evolved into a pretty fun routine.

After a first down, the announcer would say “X yards gained on the play, and that’s another…”  The crowd would then chime in with, “FIRST DOWN!”  In the old days, (circa 2001-2002) it would just end at that.  Some people would clap and/or cheer, while others would simply stand there with an empty feeling; like there was something more they should be doing.

That’s when the band decided to take action.  They gave us a simple 2 measure lick to play after everybody shouted “1st Down!”  It was nice, but it still sounded a little empty, so they added a 4 measure drum cadence to the end of it.  Now things were ready to take off.

The cheerleaders decided to add their creative energy to this project.  The last measure of the cadence ends with three counts of rest, leaving a perfect space to yell the three-syllable phrase, “Go Gophers!”  They could end the first down cheer with that, and I’d be happy.  But the cheerleaders continued to build on it.  After the drum line lays their sticks down, the cheerleaders keep clapping along to the same tempo for another 16 beats while chanting: “Min…ne…so…ta, Min-ne-so-ta…let’s go!”  On the first “Minnesota,” each syllable falls on every other beat.  On the second “Minnesota,” they fall on each consecutive beat.  There’s then one beat of rest before ending with a resounding, “Let’s Go!”  I realize this description may sound complicated, but it’s quite simple once you hear it.

What really has made this all the more fun is the student participation in it.  With a section of 10,000 over-excited fans, it’s hard to keep everybody in unison.  Some parts of the section follow the lead of the band and the cheerleaders, while others begin to accelerate the pace of the cheer.  This leads to an awesome echo effect as people shout their “Let’s Go!” at different times.  It’s even lead to students near my section to continue yelling “Let’s Go” back and forth at each other after the cheer is over.

The other element the students have added can best be described as “spirit fingers.”  During the announcer’s set-up, the band’s drum major raises his arms and wiggles his fingers.  The raised arms are meant to ready the band, while the wiggling fingers cue the drum roll.  The entire student section now mimics the drum major by raising their arms and wiggling their fingers, too.

Unfortunately, one thing that was lost in the move to TCF Bank Stadium from the Metrodome was the jumping that went along with this cheer.  In the Metrodome, a good portion of the student section was located on the retractable seats that were folded up for Twins games.  This made for a flexible surface that really moved when a few thousand students were jumping in unison.  You could try standing perfectly still, but the structure would almost force you to bounce.  Now that everybody is on solid concrete, they don’t jump along with this cheer as much anymore.

So what started as a simple, generic call-and-response cheer lead by the stadium PA, has now evolved into an awesome, traditional routine with help from the band, cheerleaders, and student section.  Next step would be getting the rest of the sections to join in.

Goldy’s Superman

Just about every college mascot does push-ups after touchdowns; it’s nothing new or special.  But another element was added while I was in college that has stuck throughout the years.  Before Goldy does his push-ups, the band plays the fanfare from the Superman movie.  This fanfare is now played when he first steps on the field, and he has since gotten himself a cape to wear when entering.

Ski-U-Mah

This is one of the oldest cheers in Minnesota history.  The “Ski” has been described as an old Sioux war cry, while others say it was Sioux equivalent of saying something like “hell yes!”  The “U-Mah” is short for University of Minnesota or U-M.  Lately, the cheer team has been waving giant flags with these words and getting the entire stadium to cheer along.  I absolutely love it: it’s simple, it’s steeped in tradition, and it’s baffling gibberish to non-Gophers.  I’m glad they are bringing it back.

M-I-N-N-E-S-O-T-A

The Minnesota spell-out is truly awesome to me.  Again, we’re not the only college to make a cheer out of spelling the home state in which the campus is located.  But while I enjoy hearing the spell-out cheers that Iowa and Ohio State do, it’s hard to whip the crowd into a frenzy with only four letters chanted at slow, drawn out tempo.  When I hear the rapid cadence of  M-I-N-N-E-S-O-T-A, it takes me to a whole other dimension.

I picture myself as a contestant at the National Spelling Bee.  Instead of being a soft-spoken nerd, I’m more like the Dennis Rodman of the spelling bee circuit.  I belt out every letter of this fine state into the microphone, and when I’m done, I shout “MINNESOTA!” twice for dramatic effect.  I turn to walk away from the microphone stand, and just when the stunned audience thinks it’s over, I quickly turn around and scream “YEAH GOPHERS!” and kick the microphone stand over.  It squeals with awful feedback as the audience, judges, and contestants cover their ears and gasp.  I slowly walk back to my seat, and that’s when one contestant dares to make eye contact with me.  I quickly give him a hard flinch with my shoulder and bellow “RAH!” right into his chubby little face.

Yes, the Minnesota spell-out is that intense for me.  And it should be for you, too.

*****

There’s just a few traditions to appreciate and love.  Some will stay, some will pass, and we’ll see new ones emerge.  So relax and let it happen.  Quit trying to force early 90′s hip-hop onto the PA system.

College Football Can Be Improved – This guy has a few great points on how to improve college football:

• Play all non-conference games in the first month of the season
• Allow only one game against lower division opponents every 2 years
• Teams must win 7 games to become bowl eligable
• Reduce number of bowl games to 25
• Reduce number of scholarships from 85 to 75
• Tweak the BCS with a plus one system

I’m all for his ideas, except for the last point.  This just inches college football towards a playoff that they do not need.  College football playoff proponents do not need the big conferences to make these types of concessions.  There is already college football playoffs in Division 1-AA (FCS), Division 2, and Division 3.  If coaches are so concerned about playoffs, they can abandon their big contracts to go coach these programs.  The elite recruits can follow them there, too.  And if the fans really want playoffs, they can get plenty of cheap tickets to games at North Dakota State, University of Wisconsin-Whitewater, and Northern Iowa.

Big East & Big 12 in Talks to Meet in Yankee Bowl 2010 – I like the idea of going to unconventional, cold-weather locations for college bowl games.  Unfortunately, the current northern bowl games are in Boise, Detroit, and Toronto.  I hope we see more games played in cities like New York, Chicago, Denver, and Seattle.  These would be great winter vacation spots to see a football game.

From Muck to Michigan – This is a story of the players coming from Pahokee, Florida.  It’s a small town located in West Palm Beach County.  When I think of cities and small towns out east, I picture pretty large communities.  This article paints a picture that seems to be worse than the North Dakota small town where I grew up.  However, there wasn’t much gang violence in Oakes, ND.  When I read articles about my home state, they are often skewed quite negatively; it’s not as bad as you read.  I’d imagine this is the case for Pahokee, FL.  Regardless, I hope the kids growing up there succeed in school and are able to come back and improve their community.

Q&A With Big East Commisioner John Marinatto – This guy is a true college football conservative.  He thinks the BCS won’t be around in 5 years, but it won’t be replaced by a playoff.  Instead, it will be replaced by the old system of bowl alliances and different organizations voting for a #1 team at the end of the season.  I wouldn’t mind this scenario.  If I could make a suggestion to improve it, I would recommend that all big bowl games (Orange, Rose, Sugar, Fiesta, Cotton) are played on New Year’s Day.  It’s unlikely this will ever happen if only one TV station is in control of all these bowls, but if the old system rises again, they may make their own TV deals.  I hope this guy is right.